the unbearable urge to reinvent myself every three business days

owing up, I always knew there was nothing simple or basic about me, and I don’t mean that in some annoying “I was born different” way, I just genuinely have always loved the idea that I could be so many different versions of myself and none of them had to cancel the others out. Honestly, one of the earliest examples of this was my MovieStarPlanet avatar in like 2014 because one day she was hella Tumblr, the next week she was mysterious and dark, and then suddenly she was some pink rave girl with the most ridiculous outfit ever and I loved every single version of her. She had no consistency, no clear brand, no identity crisis about it either, she simply logged on and served a completely different personality whenever she felt like it, and I kind of see myself the same way now. It’s not trend hopping, it’s Lisita hopping.

I really do not understand why I’m supposed to pick one aesthetic and stay there forever, like who made that rule? Some days I want bows and pink and little ballet flats and to look like I bake strawberry cakes in a tiny kitchen, other days I want all black and heavy eyeliner and to look like I definitely know something you don’t, and then sometimes I want to look like I have my life together and wear some cute little outfit that makes me feel like I have somewhere important to be when I am literally going to Target. Why be one person when I can be a “be who you want” Barbie? That feels way more fun to me.

the girl meets world incident

One of the first times I really remember choosing what kind of girl I wanted to be was when I started at a new school in a new city, it was a Christian private school in Alabama and for the first time I was around people who weren’t military kids and I remember being so weirdly aware of that. These kids had known each other forever, their moms knew each other, they had childhood best friends, they knew the area, they had these normal little lives, and I was just the random new girl showing up hoping nobody thought I was weird. So naturally, I decided I needed to make an impression, and my big plan was the Girl Meets World clothing line at Kohl’s.

I was OBSESSED with it, and I mean actually obsessed, like the clothes were colorful and layered and kind of weird and whimsical and I thought that was exactly what I needed to wear to announce myself to this brand new school. I begged basically every family member I had for money so I could buy this purple plaid skirt and a basic tee that cost way too much for what it was, and then I wore it with black tights and black ballerina flats and in my head I was that bitch, like I really thought I was about to walk in and change lives. Then I got there and immediately wanted to hide because these people were not fucking with the vibe at ALL. Everyone was wearing Nike shorts and North Face jackets and Simply Southern and Vera Bradley and whatever else every private school girl in Alabama had apparently agreed was acceptable, and suddenly my little Girl Meets World outfit felt loud as hell.

So I adapted. I started begging my parents for the same stuff everybody else had because I wanted to blend in so badly, and the thing is, I did start blending in more, but none of it felt like me. I think that was probably one of the first times I realized how easy it is to hide parts of yourself when you think being yourself is making everyone else uncomfortable, which is actually kind of sad now that I’m typing that lol.

then came emily

Eventually I became friends with some girls in the grade above me and one of them was named Emily, and Emily was basically the opposite of everybody else at that school. She wore all black, had purple streaks in her hair, was into Wattpad and Supernatural fanfic and just genuinely did not seem to care what everyone else thought. I was obsessed with her, and not even in a normal “I like her style” way either, I thought okay yes this is who I am now.

I stole a pair of heeled boots from my stepmom and started wearing them with black leggings and this heavy side part and suddenly I was trying to dress like I belonged in some fake Tumblr show that had absolutely no viewers. And yes, the other kids thought I was weird, they definitely did, but I weirdly did not care as much anymore because for the first time since starting that school, I felt interesting again, like some little part of me had finally come back online. And yeah, obviously I was copying Emily at first, but I still think that mattered because she showed me that I did not have to look like everyone else to be okay, and sometimes that’s how you find parts of yourself anyway, you see someone doing something you wish you had the confidence to do and then one day you realize you can just do it too, even if it starts with stealing your stepmom’s boots.

every version of me entered the chat

After that, my teenage years were basically one long costume change. VSCO girl? Did that. E-girl? Did that too. Indie girl? Obviously. Tumblr? Please, I had already been there. I changed my hair, my makeup, my playlists, my room, my Instagram feed, my hobbies, my entire vibe, and every single time I genuinely believed okay THIS is me, I figured it out, this one is staying, and then two months later I would see some girl online with bangs and a cute bedroom and suddenly I needed to redo my whole personality.

I used to think that meant I had no identity, but now I honestly think I was just trying things on. I think the internet gave me access to so many different versions of girlhood that I would have never seen otherwise, especially growing up moving around all the time, and yeah sometimes I copied too much and sometimes I bought stuff and immediately stopped caring and sometimes I committed way too hard to an aesthetic that did not even make it through the season, but I still kept something from almost every version. That’s the thing I don’t think I understood when I was younger, not every phase disappears just because you stop dressing like it.

career lis is somehow even worse

The funniest part is that I did not grow out of this at all, I just started doing it with my whole life instead of only my clothes. Now I reinvent my career in my head too. I have wanted to do photography, entertainment, journalism, PR, marketing, writing, media, creative direction, events, hospitality, teaching, opening a café, running a magazine, living in New York, living in California, living somewhere in the mountains with chickens I definitely do not know how to take care of, and every single time I get interested in a career I never just think “that career sounds cool,” I build the entire life.

I know what Career Lis wears, I know what her apartment looks like, I know what coffee she orders, I know what bag she carries, I know what neighborhood she lives in, I know what her commute looks like, I have basically created an entire Sims save before I have even applied for one job. Then six months later I discover something else and suddenly a new version of me gets added to the roster.

For a while, I really thought that made me flaky or lost, because why couldn’t I just choose one thing and stick with it, but honestly every job, hobby, random obsession and project has taught me something even if I did not keep doing it forever. Photography taught me I love documenting things, writing taught me I need somewhere to dump every thought that will not shut up, entertainment taught me how much I love creating moments people remember, bad jobs taught me what I never want again, and random hobbies taught me that I do not have to turn every interest into a lifelong commitment for it to have been worth doing.

Even Sunday Girl is a reinvention. It came from something else I made, and I could have forced myself to keep the old version just because I had already started it, but I didn’t want to do that, I wanted to keep changing it until it felt more like me. And I think that is what I’m finally starting to understand, sometimes changing your mind is not quitting, sometimes you just learned something.

i am still allowed to be a girl

I think this has felt harder lately because I’m 23 and there is this weird pressure to act like I should have everything figured out now, and I know nobody actually says it that directly but you can feel it everywhere. I have bills, I have school, I have career goals, I’m engaged and planning a wedding, I think about money and moving and work and the future and all the boring stuff I did not have to think about when I was 17, but that does not mean I suddenly stopped being me.

I still love trinkets, I love crafts, I love reading and writing and shit talking and picnics and doing my makeup for absolutely no reason, I love collecting tiny useless things, I love dressing up, I love making playlists for extremely specific moods, I love rearranging my room because I randomly decided I need a new vibe at 11 p.m. None of that makes me less responsible, and I do not understand why adulthood gets presented like you slowly have to stop liking everything fun and start buying neutral furniture and wearing one beige shirt in seven slightly different shades. No thanks, I can pay a bill and also buy a tiny ceramic animal because it looked lonely, both things can be true.

i don’t think i want to be finished

I used to think the goal was to eventually land on the final version of myself, one career, one style, one city, one personality, done, but now that sounds kind of miserable. I want to be 35 and suddenly get obsessed with pottery and talk about it way too much, I want to be 42 and cut my hair because I saw some cute girl at Target and decided I needed to know what it would look like on me, I want to move somewhere new and meet a version of myself that could only exist there, and I want to keep trying things without feeling like I owe every new interest the rest of my life.

The Girl Meets World girl is still in me, the girl in the stolen heeled boots is still in me, the Tumblr girl is still in me, the photographer, the Disney girl, the music girl, the writer, the bride-to-be, all of them are still here somewhere. I think I used to believe reinventing myself meant replacing myself when really I am just adding things, and sometimes I am removing things, and sometimes I am bringing something back after five years because apparently I was onto something the first time.

So yes, I will probably reinvent myself again in three business days, there will be a new Pinterest board, there may be a haircut, there will probably be a new hobby that requires me to buy supplies immediately, and for at least 48 hours I will once again tell everyone that I have finally figured out who I am. Just smile and let me have it, I’ll probably be onto something else by Thursday.

xoxo,
Lisita Lala

aka Your Sunday Girl <3