I fear my frontal lobe has entered the chat

I fear my frontal lobe has entered the chat because lately I keep having thoughts that 19-year-old me would have found deeply upsetting, like I’m tired at parties now, I actually think before I spend money sometimes, I’m starting to realize some friendships are not supposed to last forever, and somehow I have become the kind of person who thinks about school, careers, marriage, family, credit, moving, savings, and whether or not somebody actually deserves access to me, which is very rude because I do not remember signing up for this level of awareness.

I’m 23 and I feel like I’m in this weird little stage where I am still very much a girl, very much capable of getting excited over a trinket, very much able to spend 45 minutes making a playlist for a feeling that lasted seven minutes, but I’m also being forced to make decisions that feel way too real.

I swear five minutes ago I was just worried about what I was wearing to go out and now I’m having full conversations about where I want to live in five years, what I’m doing with school, who I want standing next to me at my wedding, what kind of relationship I want with my family, and whether or not I even like half the things I used to think were fun, and I’m just sitting here like wait wait wait, when did this happen.

friendships get weird as hell

Nobody really tells you how weird friendships get when you start growing up, and I don’t even mean dramatic friendship breakups because honestly that part is almost easier, at least then you know what happened.

I mean the weird slow shift where somebody you used to talk to every day suddenly feels like a coworker from an old job, or the person is technically still in your life but everything feels off and nobody says it because that would require having an actual conversation and apparently we all hate those.

And sometimes nothing “bad” even happens, which is almost worse because then you’re sitting there like okay so are we drifting or am I imagining it or are you acting weird or am I acting weird or are we both just adults now with different lives, which is SUCH an annoying answer because I want there to be a villain sometimes, give me a plot, give me something to work with.

I had to remove someone from my bridal party because the friendship got weird, and I think that was one of those moments where I was like wait, this is actually my life now, because this was not some random little argument where we ignore each other for three days and then act normal again.

This was me looking at my wedding and realizing I did not want someone standing next to me just because I felt guilty about changing my mind.

That hit me way harder than I expected because I used to think history meant permanence, like if you’ve known someone long enough then you just keep them forever, and now I’m realizing no, actually, sometimes people age out of your life and sometimes you age out of theirs and sometimes they just start acting weird when you are doing well and suddenly you are sitting there like waittttt so this is who we are now.

And I hate that because I love continuity, I love my people staying my people, I love knowing where everyone fits, and when that changes my brain is basically pacing back and forth in a tiny office with a clipboard going no no no this was not in the original itinerary.

I think getting married makes friendships even weirder too because people start projecting all kinds of shit onto you. Some people act like you’re disappearing, some people act like you think you’re better than them now, some people get weirdly competitive about milestones, and some people are genuinely happy for you and it becomes very obvious who is who, which is useful information but also like... damn.

I’m still me. I still want to have fun and talk shit and be stupid with my friends and laugh until I can’t breathe, but I’m also building a life with someone and making decisions based on that now, and I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t change things because obviously it does.

I just wish people understood that changing your life is not the same as abandoning everyone in it.

partying is not hitting like it used to

Another deeply disappointing development is that partying just is not that fun anymore, and I hate that for me because there was a time where being out until 2 a.m. felt like the whole point of life and now I’m somewhere at 11:18 p.m. checking the time like wowwwww my bed is really far away right now.

I still love getting dressed up, doing my makeup, going somewhere cute, having a drink, being around my friends, all of that is still fun, but I don’t really care about being out just to be out anymore, like I need substance now, unfortunately.

I would genuinely rather go to a fun dinner, take a random day trip, go to a concert, have a picnic, wander around some place I’ve never been, go to a museum, do a themed night, literally anything where I feel like I’m actually doing something instead of standing in a loud room yelling “WHAT” into somebody’s ear for three hours.

And maybe this is me getting boring but I don’t think so, because I still want fun, I just want fun that gives me something back, I want a story, a memory, a photo I actually like, a random inside joke that survives longer than the night, something.

I don’t want to wake up the next day with $84 missing from my account, one blurry photo, ringing ears, and no clue what exactly I was supposed to have enjoyed.

spending money is weird when you do not have any

Money has also become way too real, and I personally would like to go back to when I thought $20 was basically infinite because that was peaceful.

I love spending money, I will not lie to you. I love clothes, little treats, food, decor, trinkets, random hobby supplies, trips, all of it, and I am extremely capable of convincing myself that something is an “investment” when really I saw it 12 minutes ago and now emotionally need it.

But now there’s this annoying little voice in my head going okay but what about tuition, what about the wedding, what about moving, what about savings, what about literally surviving, and I hate her because she is usually right.

Like yes thank you CFO of my brain, I did in fact know that I cannot buy every cute thing I see, can you please stop emailing me.

I think this is one of the biggest signs that I’m actually getting older because I don’t just think about whether I can buy something, I think about what buying it means later, and that is disgusting.

Sometimes I will open my banking app and every single random purchase from the last week starts staring back at me like a jury and suddenly I remember every little “it’s only $12” decision I made and how those little $12 decisions apparently unionized.

The frontal lobe is developing but she is not fully in control, let’s be clear, I am still going to buy dumb shit sometimes, I am just going to experience consequences now. Growth!

my career is basically being held hostage by school

Career stuff is probably the part that makes me feel the most behind, and I hate admitting that because I know everyone says there is no timeline and everyone moves at their own pace and blah blah blah, but when you had a timeline in your head and you are nowhere near it, it feels personal.

I know I want to work in media, editorial, entertainment, writing, photography, PR, something in that world, and I can picture it so clearly, but everything is dependent on school and school has been such a pain in my ass.

I feel sooo behind. Like embarrassingly behind sometimes.

I see people graduating, moving, starting careers, getting internships, and I have moments where I’m like okay cool, what the fuck am I doing, and then I have to remind myself that I’m still moving even if it feels slow and messy and not at all like the version I pictured in my head.

And school is one of those things where every setback feels way bigger than it probably is because I know how tied it is to the career I want, so when school is going badly I immediately spiral into okay amazing my whole life is over, which is obviously dramatic but also unfortunately how my brain works.

One assignment becomes “I’m behind,” “I’m behind” becomes “I’m ruining my future,” and then suddenly I have mentally moved to a lighthouse to avoid society, like girl calm down.

I wish I had done things differently, I wish I was further along, I wish I did not have to think about all the extra steps I still have left, and I think that’s the part that stings the most because I know I am capable of a lot and I know what I want.

But I also know I’m not giving up, and honestly that matters more to me now than pretending I’m perfectly on schedule.

I hate the timeline, but I don’t hate the direction, and I’m trying very hard to let that be enough without immediately creating another 14-step plan in my Notes app.

being the oldest daughter is actually insane

Being the first and oldest daughter on both sides of my family is also just... a lot.

Every decision feels like people are watching, everybody has an opinion, everybody has some version of what they thought I was going to do, everybody is quietly comparing what I’m doing to what they think I should be doing, and I can feel it even when nobody says it directly.

I think one of the hardest parts of growing up has been realizing that my family is not always going to understand how I want to live, especially because I do not want a super traditional life and I think that genuinely disappoints some people.

I don’t want to just stay in one place because it is safe and familiar, I want to move, I want to try different cities, I want a creative career, I want to travel, I want to do things in a weird order if that’s what makes sense for me, I want a marriage that feels like ours and not like I copied and pasted what everybody else did before us.

And I know that makes people nervous because families love stability, especially when they think stability is the same thing as safety, but I do not want to spend my whole life making choices because everyone else feels more comfortable with them.

That realization has been kind of awful because I still care what my family thinks, like deeply, I’m not one of those people who can just be like whatever, fuck everyone, because I will absolutely replay one disappointed tone of voice in my head for six business days and suddenly I’m reorganizing my entire life because Aunt Whoever sounded weird on the phone.

But I also know I will resent everybody if I build a life I don’t want just to avoid making them uncomfortable, and that is the part I keep coming back to.

I can love my family and still not live the life they would choose for me, which sounds very simple typed out and is significantly less simple when you’re actually living it.

what counts as cool is different now

I think what I consider cool has changed too, which might be the most frontal lobe thing of all.

I used to think cool was being invited everywhere, always having plans, knowing everyone, being out all the time, having a million friends, looking like your life was constantly happening.

Now I think cool is having a few people you actually trust, having a home you like being in, saying no without writing an entire legal defense of your decision, leaving the party early because you are tired, having random hobbies nobody cares about, doing something different with your life even if people think it is weird, not needing to prove that you are having fun.

I don’t think I’m becoming boring, I think I’m becoming pickier, and honestly thank god because younger me was giving way too many people and situations access just because I did not want to miss out.

I still want fun and chaos and stories and random adventures, I just want them to actually feel good now, I want the fun to fit me instead of me squeezing myself into whatever everyone else decided was fun.

And maybe that is what this whole frontal lobe thing is, not becoming boring or serious or suddenly having everything figured out, but realizing that your life is actually yours and eventually you have to start choosing what stays in it, which is horrible because now I have to make decisions and decisions have consequences and apparently I cannot just keep every friend, every plan, every dream, every expectation and every version of myself forever.

Gross, but also... maybe kind of good.

Anyway, I need a snack.

xoxo,
Sunday Girl <3